Voice in my head

I have always lived in my head. I constantly talk to my inner-Voice. Not the one that tells you whether to do, or not do something. But the one that makes it seem like you are not alone in your thinking. Sometimes this Voice is helpful. It helps me remember things that I have forgotten. Most times it is completely useless, as it never has any original thoughts of its own.

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As a kid this Voice played out the many voices of the different action figures that I played with. It had a different Voice for each one, voices that I could not mimic in real life. The action figures would go heroic adventures, winning by amazing feats. These voices not only served as dialog between the heroes, but also personified the personalities each of the characters. The more heroic ones had deeper voices, while the less heroic had timid higher voices. But in time the action figures were replaced with water guns and swimming pools; football and wrestling; girls and parties.

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The Voice never left me though; it just changed as I did. It is constantly there. It is more or less that inner-Voice that I imagine everyone has. Maybe it is my conscious. But I have always equated my conscious to a moral compass. If that is true, then these are two completely different things. The Voice is more of a sketch board. Before I say anything, write anything, the Voice is there to edit.

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I grew up as the son of a school teacher and an artist. Normal for me is not “normal” for everyone else. As the child of a school teacher you are expected to accomplish all school related assignments with proficiency and accuracy. However, as the child of an artist, creativity is expected to exude as well. So the dilemma began, do I accomplish assignments to the teachers expectations (as all “good” students do) or do I accomplish them my way, using some creative expression that will more than likely be misunderstood, at best. Maybe this is where the Voice has proved the most helpful and the most worthless. The Voice edits my thoughts into socially acceptable forms of communication, thus allowing me to complete school/work with ease, yet making creativity completely unnatural.

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The lack of creativity in my inner-Voice is irritating at times. I think that everyone should be creative in their own way. It is what makes us unique. Someone could be creative in the normal ways; play an instrument, write a novel, sing a song, paint a picture, draw a portrait, etc. Or there are those that claim no creativeness, but typically talk in a unique way, build something new and useful, have a peculiar way of thinking, etc. My inner-Voice needs to start making contributions. I wish I could rely on it to do more than just edit what comes from brain, but maybe this editing is needed as well. I know that in many circumstances if I would have said what I was thinking, I would be living with a great deal of regret.

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I have constantly worked with people that I do not care for, I imagine everyone has. These people are not necessarily rude, but many times they are; they are not always mean, but they could use an inner-Voice like mine. Regardless, for whatever reason I do not see eye-to-eye with them. These are people that at work, social events, or even church, who I find myself avoiding (a here they come, there I go, type of thing). With these people, there always comes that one encounter where I am faced with the option to speak my mind or bite my tongue.

Once there was this man who had two sided face. Out of one side he would say how he liked me and thought I was a good person. But out of the other came venomous attacks on how I did things. To this my Voice edited down my comments to where there were no snide remarks, but it left me feeling weak.

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I hate that my inner-Voice makes me feel weak. I believe that I should always strive to be a better individual. But this voice seems to rob me of this at times. A good example is my difficulty with public-speaking. As I constantly have this Voice editing what I say, it is hard to monologue. I am constantly listening to what is happening in my head. A one-on-one conversation is easier, as there are natural breaks to listen to the Voice. But not in public speaking; well at least not for me.

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I have held various jobs where public speaking is a requirement. When it came time to perform this particular aspect of my job, I was struck with anxiety attacks. Typically an anxiety attack causes sweating, exhaustion, head-aches, heart-racing, soreness, and many other minor things. These are less severe than they sound, but they always make me feel ill. Maybe it’s just fear, but I think that my trouble stems from the stupid Voice in my head. I get started just fine, talking away, and then my mind goes blank. It is like my inner-Voice is upset that it has no input, so it just blocks all cognitive process. I begin to stumble over my words, my body starts to slightly convulse, which causes me to want to just close my mouth and walk off stage. While this is what happens without fail; I do somehow get through whatever it is that I am suppose to deliver, but the delivery lacks any grace.

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I bet Jesus did not have an annoying inner-Voice. He seemed to always be gracious towards everyone. He never held back or acted weak, yet always spoke courageously. He seemed to have an innate ability to speak publicly, as people constantly commented how he taught with authority. Through the stories he told and the way he communicated, it would be hard to not call him creative. I bet that Jesus did not have the inner-Voice that I do.

But for better or worse it’s stuck with me, and I am forever stuck with it.

~ by Brad Raburn on July 27, 2009.